It's been a long while since i dare to face up to my feelings and write. I'm lost and gotten lost again. Hurts from a wounded heart finds it way to me once more this night. Starry on the outside it might be, in me, where am i really at this point of me? I woke up yesterday yearning to be hug, to be loved and yet i was all alone on my bed. What's really left of me now? where's the lovely eyes from the Father who speaks volume of joy? With all the frustrations at so called ministry workplace, am i where He wants me to be? 27 years and this is it. there must be more. Glad that i had a good time with my cozzie who dropped by my place. When am i making a difference in the lives? Anything can happen. Have i truly dare in living my life with the One who loves me? Walking through the valleys of darkness at this season........... one day i find the courage to leave..i need to receive true love flowing from His hands.(Julian Drive, From your hands)..
Choices, even though you knew the lines You'd have to cross for me You made them anyway Voices, You knelt there in the garden 'Neath the olive tree You heard me call Your Name I cannot pretend to understand it all But heaven knew the reason You were there
Chorus: It was all about a man It was all about a cross It was all about the blood that was shed So I would not be lost It was all about a love That was bigger than a life It was all about a freedom that was given Through Your sacrifice 'Cause You would rather die than to ever live without me
Helpless, that's humanity without Your saving grace So misled So selfless, You could have called a thousand angels Down to take Your place But You took mine instead I cannot pretend to understand it all But heaven knew the reason you were there A greater love has no one than this That he will lay his life down for his friends
Prayin’ in the garden You saw the crowd a-comin’ Betrayed by the one that called you King You could’ve called a band of angels To come and save the day But instead you chose to stay You didn’t run away
CHORUS In the very front of your mind While the blood was flowing You saw my face as you cried Certain in knowing Tears, blood, and pain in the sand Yeah.... True love was pouring True love was pouring from your hand
Bruised and beaten Appeared you were defeated But things aren’t always what they seem They thought when they placed your body Into an empty grave It would end all debate But the stone was rolled away
In the very front of your mind While the blood was flowing You saw my face as you cried Certain in knowing Tears, blood, and pain in the sand Yeah.... True love was pouring True love was pouring from the Same hand that washes clean And sets the captive free, yeah Same hand that calmed the sea And the one that rescued me, yeah
In the very front of your mind While the blood was flowing You saw my face as you cried Certain in knowing Tears, blood, and pain in the sand Yeah.... True love was pouring True love was pouring from your
As I look back on what I thought was living I'm amazed at the price I choose to pay And to think I ignored what really mattered Cause I thought the sacrifice would be too great But when I finally reached the point of giving in I found the cross was calling even then And even though it took dying to survive I've never felt so much alive.
CHORUS:
For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live Not I but Christ that lives within me His Cross will never ask for more than I can give For its not my strength but His There's no greater sacrifice For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live
VERSE 2:
As I hear the Savior call for daily dying I will bow beneath the weight of Calvary Let my hands surrender to His piercing purpose That holds be to the cross but sets me free I will glory in the power of the cross The things I thought were gain I count as loss And with His suffering I identify And by His resurrection power I am alive
(CHORUS)
BRIDGE:
And I will offer all I have So that His cross is not in vain For I found to live is Christ And to die is truly gain
The song that never fails to draw me back to the Father whenever i feel hurt and down.."I will lift my eyes - Bebo Norman"
God alone is my 'absolute necessity'. This is what JK shared on Wed during chapel. She's truly been through years of pain, wounded soul. Like what Ruth Graham (daughter) entitled her book, "In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart". There's truth in that. I once thought I'm one of the many who thinks I have no problems. I'm doing fine, and I'm healthy. Well, all these while not that i'm intentionally deceiving myself, rather the lack of awareness of myself, my needs, my inner voice that is crying out for help. Indeed through the pain i'm feeling, it is God's megaphone to tell me "Hey, don't deny yourself. Be honest with your emotions and hurts." It's a time of asking myself why am i feeling hurt over somebody's ignorance or lack of self awareness. Rather, i believe i struggled with pretence. Man likes to pretend.I cant take superficiality.I'm hurt by what man tells his spouse about me. And yet pretend to accept me. How ignorant? The passiveness of man. The silence of Adam in the Garden of Eden, causing Eve and himself to fall. He failed to rise up to the role and responsibility of being a leader in the family. Eve on the other hand, failed in her role to be a support to the husband and took over the reigns of the family. So, dun blame Eve for the downfall. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Man, like what Larry Crabb mentioned, "like most men ruled by the passion of neediness, this man (1) finds no fault in himself; (2) sees only what another could do differently; (3) feels justified in his anger; (4) cannot see beyond his needs to hers." As a result, the quality of relationship he offers to his wife is poor. (pp130) What more above this, the man is passive, the man is quiet? Do we attribute it mainly due to personality and character? Clearly in addition, his relationship with other people , friends suffer too. More to that, if the person is suffering from low self-esteem which may be the cause of his passiveness and quietness, it irks ppl when one does not communicate and misunderstandings arises.
Christmas last year and NY had been a very silent affair for me this year. Mainly trying to deal with the hurts i felt so deeply, which i have shared in brief in earlier posts. Is there anything I shd have done to avoid feeling pain? I think there should be... the answer lies in knowing the God of my life. Can i trust God to heal me emotionally.. yes, it takes long time, to be quiet still before Him, to allow Him to speak into my pain, wounds, hurts.. like the song "I offer my life" sing, 'The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours'.. All the pain..It will be bouts of flashes of pain i have felt in the past that resurfaces. Knowing God wants me to deal with it..maybe it's wise not to meet/see the person that triggers those flashbacks for a while. until i can bury them into the grave. No, tat's simply avoiding and running away. So, how to face the person in the midst of those flashbacks and memories? At all times, i tink i rather keep quiet throughout the conversation. knowing that it's not healthy. but just coping. Always i have the unspoken expectation to wanting the person taking the initiative to talk, well, to the person, i'm just too cool and don't like my character. Boy, that is really putting a thorn in my heart. If the spouse is not my close friend, guess i wont be so bothered by it. Rather, think if i did not know about the truth, (or is that the real truth) i would not feel so hurt by it and by one's superficiality. But above all, i thank you Lord for coming down to know and understand how i'm feeling. Or i will be really lost without you as the focus, the centre, the anchor of my life. Your comfort, your presence, your strength, your joy is what I long for, dear Lord. Make yourself known to me and I'd be known by my loving Father.
The song, You're Not alone by Meredith Andrews played over the radio speaks so true what i'm feeling right now. The joy and the pain i'm handing it over to the strong arms of Christ. I'm tired Lord, renew me, refresh me, you brought me low to the valley to grow fruits for you. Do your work of cleansing, healing, transformational grace. Thk God that i'm not alone. For making me feel the pain, to know that i'm capable of feelings ..Thk You Lord for your unending faithfulness in my life. Now i know why today during songs in svs, the song "Through it all" was sung and the word by the preacher, "I belong to You". Yes, I am the child of God, beloved. God, my 'leaner', my pillar of strength, my deliverer, my rock, my fortress, my God, my Father. You carried me through my life. I'm forever grateful and indebted to you Lord. My heart is filled with thankfulness and gratitude as i've look beyond my pains, hurts to a loving father who sits on the throne, even in the days of the dark ages of Israel's history. The Father who never give up on me despite the mess i am in, the Father who holds me tight in His arms who never let me go at all costs. What a God that is beyond my description I have.
I search for love When the night came and it closed in I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and though I'll never ever be the same It was the sweetest voice that called my name singing
You're not alone For I am here let me wipe away every fear My love I've never left your side I have seen you through the darkness night and I'm the one that's loved you all your life All of your life.
You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own but there's a sweeter song that calls you home sayin'
Chorus** Faithful and true..Forever For my love will carry you....
The year ended with tension with one of my closest friends, hurts by passiveness, insensitivity in thhis friendship. Relationship to me is a complicated matter, perhaps in my entire life i don't have many close friends. Embarking on this journey of faith since 07, i want to learn lessons about friendships. Wanting to move from being task oriented person to a people relational. Yes, later then i realised in friendships, we need to embrace joys and sorrows, enjoying each other in sharing and their pains and struggles do i need to bear. At the centre of each friendship, is the love of Christ that dwells within us that flows to touch lives. The year begun with yet another hurt of knowing another person's immaturity and insensitivity towards me. Not wanting to dwell into details, just that maybe as a friend shared that one is not aware of the hurts one has caused to others due to one's personality.. or not knowing how to communicate. To me, i'm an introvert in nature and for me to pursue and develop a relationship, i do take more effort and time to keep and deepen the friendship. The more you love, the more you need to learn to embrace hurts. The question i ask, is it easy to let go of that friendship just because an external party is jealous or aint happy with me? No doubt i call that dumb but the question remains. Yes, trust and communication is important in friendship as much as in marriage i believe.
Despite the hurts i need to let go, i find much comfort in the poem "HOPE"
I’ve got a God who understands;
Who holds me daily in His hands.
My God controls the sun and rain,
Yet He knows my private pain.
He cares when I ask “why?”
He comforts when I cry.
He answers,
“My child, peace, be still.
Learn to rest in My will.
Bring your need to Me in prayer.
I will comfort and heal you there.
Learn to see with eyes like Mine,
That look beyond both space and time,
Where you will rest on heaven’s shore,
And live with Me forever more.”
i pray that i can love the way He loves. Through His Eyes (4 Him)
So confused, all of them stood surprised For there was no hatred in His eyes Jesus knew none of them realized They were the reason He must die Though the words they said Condemned Him to death at Calvary He knew deep inside that
CHORUS If we could see through His eyes Then we could dare to love the way God loves If we could see through His eyes Then we would understand the way God understands For His eyes see through the surface right down to our needs Far beyond where we are to where we can be If we could only see through His eyes
In God’s sight there is no black or white ‘Cause it isn’t color that He sees (For) side by side, we are so much alike For we were created equally And though years and time Have built walls and lines Between us, I’ll always believe that
BRIDGE I know that in God’s providence there is a higher plan For He alone creates a perfect heart And He desires to seethe good Iin each and every man That He has purposed from the start
The year 2008 closes with a celebration service with much rejoicing, thankfulness and a heart of gratitude to the Lord for the year that has passed. For the wondrous things the Lord has done, with the challenge to the members to serve the Lord this new year. My soul is uplifted, but yet my heart is filled with anguish. I was upset over event of being feel abandoned by a close friend. I was feeling grief, sadness on a conversation ended abruptly. asked why am i holding on to that hurt. The more you love, the more you will feel hurt. The person you love most happens to be the one who hurts you most. Is love really blind? I dont think so. Love has its boundaries; a wise person knows how to draw the right and appropriate boundaries so that we do not get hurt. The song "In your arms of love" sang by the children, was so moving and it runs deep into my heart..That the Lord carried me in His arms of Love, even i failed him million times and hurt him deeply this year through my own weaknesses, my own deliberate fault, my own selfish desires. He looked beyond my inadequacy. God loves me the way I am, and I am accepted. My heart is seeking for Love.
Do i dare to open myself up or should i just let it go? Will i resort to protecting myself from love, for fear of losing the relationship or fear of getting hurt? Where is the joy that i have not felt for quite a while? Healing of the hurts comes through relationships. What is my deepest desire for this new year? Healing to happen in my life. Not just the chronic cough that has been with me for many years where the doctors did not managed to diagnose it, but victory over the power of bondage and darkness in my life, which i struggled quite a lot last year. I like the prayer of confession during service, which reflects my heartfelt confession. Leader (L): Forgive O Lord, the hollowness of our worship People (P): We have not loved You with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. We have put ourselves and other objects of desire ahead of You. L: Forgive O Lord, our hardness towards our fellow men. P: We have been slow to forgive those who have wronged us. We have neglected to show compassion to those in need. L: Forgive O Lord, the darkness in our hearts. P: Our hearts are corrupt and our lives are blemished by our sins. We cannot change ourselves without Your Holy Spirit. L: Heavenly Father, we desire to return to You and to walk in Your ways. P: Create in me a clean heart, O God and put a new and right spirit within me. L: Lord we admit our guilt and seek Your forgiveness and power to live lives that are wholly pleasing to You.
A child of God, learning to seek and longs after the God of love in her life. A sinner who is sweetly broken, learning to be wholly surrendered to the God who is able to save and deliver her.
A lover of God's creation of nature, especially sunsets
